The Needy Christian Single

Nicole MillerThe Needy Christian Single by guest blogger and author, Nicole D. Miller. 

I was born from a broken home.  An out of wedlock, single-parent, broken home.  That in and of itself was a set up for failure.  Over the years the rejection and abandonment I experienced from the womb would function in me and by my pre-teen years I had developed a very unhealthy dependency upon my grandmother.  I replaced that dependency from my grandmother to a boyfriend when I became a teenager.  When he broke my heart into a million pieces in college, I then leaned on two close friends; one male, one female.

Jesus revealed the unhealthy soul ties with the male, so with much grief and pain I broke them.  Letting go of the boy and choosing Jesus.  Again.  For nearly 10 years I hung on to the dependency on the girl.  God in His mercy was giving me time to wean me off all false coping mechanisms.  He understood the trauma I was recovering from even if I myself had not a clue.  But then finally, the season came when it was time to let go.  That in and of itself was a traumatic experience and in a sense is still unresolved, but for me, it has brought much freedom.

So often we go through this life not feeling fulfilled in Christ.  We do not know that we are depending on food, sex, drugs, people, alcohol, people-pleasing, over-achieving, and a host of other dysfunctional behaviors.

The Church has done a poor job of preparing singles for marriage and many singles that get married were never functioning in the restoration Christ bled for them on the cross to have.  Instead, singles are pushed and rushed into marriage prematurely so that they can conquer the American Dream and post their pictures of their accomplishments on Facebook.  But the American Dream was an illusion that even when people reached it they got there and saw they were living a façade.

So they got divorced.

Thankfully, Christ has given me time to see the illusion.  He has given us time, so that while you are wondering what in the world is taking so long for this mate to come, Christ is working in and through you.  He is working out all those deeply hidden issues that will cause you to have an unhealthy marriage with your spouse.  He is giving you time to grow and mature and become a better you.  To be the “you” that He intended before you were even in your mother’s womb.

We are all unbalanced.  And two unbalanced people cannot possibly have a balanced marriage.  Often when we are depending on others in an unhealthy way it is because we are giving of ourselves in unhealthy ways.  So while I was overly dependent on certain relationships in my life, I was overly giving in other relationships.

The circumstances of my birth pointed to failure.  But, Christ has used every attempt from the enemy to distract and deter me from my call to bring forth success.  I see now very clearly: success is not fulfilling the American Dream with the perfect marriage, house, 2.5 kids and a dog.  No.

Success is fulfilling the will of the Father.

And as we journey on this path of His will, we will awaken to His fulfillment in our beings.  We will see that we are no longer in need, but want for nothing.

Psalm 34:20

The young lions lack and suffer hunger but those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.

~ Author and Blogger, Nicole Miller

How to Overcome Heartbreak Recovering

Visit Nicole’s blog … His Love is Better Than Wine
Click here to purchase her book How to Overcome Heartbreak.

Love in Waiting welcomes guest bloggers to come, write, and share! If you would like to write for my blog or invite me to speak at your event, email GospelNewMedia@gmail.com.

Candra Evans

Mailing Address: P.O. Box 128787
Cincinnati, Ohio 45212

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8 thoughts on “The Needy Christian Single

  1. I too can relate too many of your earlier unhealthy coping mechanisms. As you said when you’re young, you don’t even know that you are operating in un-healthy behavioral patterns. Only by spending time with the Lord, and by His grace and mercy are these things revealed to us. And painful though they may be I consider it a HUGE blessing, because the truth really does set us free! A lot of people are afraid to be still and ask God why they operate in the manner they do, sadly these people will keep making the same mistakes.

    I love this blog. It is so spot on. Jesus never gave us a charge to complete another person, we are already complete in Him. (Col 2:10) I was born into a broken home too, and I struggle w/ people pleasing, daddy issues and other things. But I really count it ALL JOY God has not allowed me to get married yet, though I used to really want to when I was younger and couldn’t understand why I was still single. If it had not been for this time I would not have discovered my issues and reached out for help, I shudder to think of what kind of marriage I might have gotten involved in w/ a broken heart. I agree with every part of this blog.

    1. Tx sis!!! For so long I didnt understand WHY God was keeping me single, ESPECIALLY when I was being pursued! But now I see with more mature eyes and FINALLY I understand the gift that this season is :-). Of course it is still challenging but it is His BEST plan for me

  2. Hey Nicole! I love what you said about “not fully-functioning in the restoration of Christ.” That is so true. I’m married, but I took a 3-year dating hiatus before me and my hubby got married. And in that time, I got to know Christ on a whole ‘nother level. And He healed so many wounds, that I didn’t even know that I had. I agree with you that the church does a poor job of helping Christian singles with that truth.

    Do you have suggestions for what the Church should be doing? Aside from singles retreats, ministry, etc.

    On a side note, I just finished reading a novel entitled When The Real Thing Comes Along and the author, Faith Simone, beautifully captures the need to be fully reconciled to Christ and end soul ties before moving forward in a relationship. PS: I promise this is not a veiled attempt at self-promotion the author of that book is a different Simone :-).

    1. Hi Simone! I think that if the church spends time helping singles discover their purpose and calling as a person and not focus so much on their relationship status (or lack thereof) that is a step in the right direction. So even if there are single retreats there should be workshops available that equip singles to become healthier people. I think counseling is a must for everyone though i have not met with a counselor in person but have been counseled through books, podcasts and blogs. Churches can stop putting pressure on singles to marry and spend more time helping them heal from brokenness. The body of Christ has historically focused on spiritual growth but we are whole beings. The blood of Jesus saved us but our choice to submit to His leadership helps in defining the quality of life we will lead. The church needs to talk about being healthy mentally, emotionally, physically, not just spiritually. Im grateful my own pastors have not placed emphasis on me being single. They have loved me for me and embraced who I am to God. Much like parents do with their children. Much like God with us. That is a blessing you had that time before marriage to grow and heal! There is so much unnecessary pain we can avoid if we will wait on the Lord. If only we (talking to myself) weren’t so impatient! LOL Thankful for your testimony

  3. Thank you for writing such a transparent and through provoking post Nicole.

    Even when we do not come into the world in the ideal way, God still has a purpose and a plan for our life.

    It is great to know that you realize that are and willing to trust and lean on Him.

    I’m curious, when do you think your defining moment occurred and were you prepared for it or did it catch you off guard?

    Know that this life has great things in store for you!

    Stay the course and God bless you!

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